Losing someone whom you love is terribly hard in and of itself. But what can be equally hard are the ramifications and consequences of that loss. It’s not just the person that was lost, it’s everything that came along with them: the comfort and security they provided, the habits that you had formed in that relationship, the support they gave you, the feeling of home that you felt around them. It would only make sense that when they pass, your world is shook upside down. That person might have been like a guiding compass in your life, and all of a sudden you’re left alone to figure out where North is.
The field of attachment tells us that we are social beings that rely on each other for security and survival and that emotional bonding is at the center of our lives. The basic questions that run in our heads when we’re in relationship with someone are “Will this person be there for me?” “Can I count on them?”
So what happens when someone who was an essential attachment figure in your life suddenly isn’t here anymore? The short answer is… it rearranges your world.
Thankfully, humans are adaptive creatures, but there is practically nothing that will require more adaptation from you than grief will. And it won’t be a linear, straightforward process of going from point A to point B. It usually looks more like a storm in the midst of which you might question your faith, question your identity, question your purpose and your beliefs, and as the topic of this article indicates, question your relationships. Because it only makes sense that as one essential attachment figure has disappeared, it left a gaping wound that makes you doubt your other relationships and attachment bonds. That one person whom you could count on isn’t here anymore, and the pain that it ignited has left you wondering: “will they also leave me?”
Often this fear can show up as hypervigilance regarding your loved ones’ safety. One missed phone call, a longer than usual delay in responding to your text, and the fear takes over: “did something happen to them too?” This is our body trying to remain safe in the aftermath of an event that was too painful and overwhelming for our nervous systems to bear.
But the other way that attachment issues can show up is through a period of turbulence in your intimate relationships. Perhaps you felt pretty secure prior to the loss, but this has triggered all the places that are more tender and vulnerable in you, making it more difficult to relate to others. Or maybe you were already struggling with insecure attachment before the loss, and this has only worsened the difficulties you face in your relating. The fear of further abandonment makes you either want to isolate and detach completely from the world around you, or it has made your anxiety 10x worse, making you seek reassurance and comfort in ways that you wouldn’t have before.
Fear is at the root of these behaviors, whether through avoidance or through comfort seeking. And again, it only makes sense that the world would seem more threatening following the loss of an important attachment figure. C.S Lewis, who lost his wife to cancer, wrote about this very sentiment: “No one ever told me that grief felt so like fear. I am not afraid, but the sensation is like being afraid. The same fluttering in the stomach, the same restlessness, the yawning. I keep on swallowing.” Anxiety and fear are ways that we try to protect ourselves from threat, our nervous systems going into hyperarousal to get us ready to face the worst. The book “Anxiety: The Missing Stage of Grief” talks about this phenomenon, suggesting that facing grief not only involves the classical and well known 5 stages described by Kübler-Ross, but can also involve the experience of heightened anxiety.
So what does it mean for our relationships in the aftermath of a profound loss? There are several things that seem important to keep in mind:
A period of recalibration will be necessary
This means that there might be an adjustment regarding how you relate to others. As mentioned earlier, perhaps you always felt secure prior to this loss, but now there are newfound insecurities that have emerged. Or perhaps your attachment style has flipped, you use to be more anxiously attached and now find yourself leaning more towards avoidance. This can also mean that your friendships will shift. Perhaps some of your closest people haven’t showed up the way you had wished, while some more distant connections have manifested a lot of care. If an important family member has passed, it probably means that the whole family dynamic will be altered, and to adjust to a new dynamic post loss can take some time. Essentially, loss is not only adjusting to the absence of your person, but also adjusting to the way your relational field in general has been impacted and sometimes permanently altered. All this adjusting takes time and tremendous energy. So be gentle with yourself through this process.
Finding people who can relate to your experience
Experiencing a big loss can create feelings of loneliness. Not only because you miss your person but also because a lot of people don’t relate to this experience, or don’t have the capacity or desire to talk about it. Grief and loss aren’t really trendy topics to discuss around the dinner table. Most people feel uncomfortable talking about such things, and they aren’t necessarily to blame for it. Our culture isn’t fond of all things related to death. We typically live our lives avoiding it, avoiding thinking of it, avoiding talking about it, and definitely avoiding the fact that it could happen to us or to someone we love. And this probably was your case as well before it happened to you. Grief isn’t normally something we are interested in exploring before we’re forced to confront it. This is why it can be so helpful and comforting to find people who have also experienced it, and who want to talk about it. The struggle is that the more “abnormal” and unique your loss was, the less likely that you’ll have people in your immediate surroundings who have experienced something similar. Finding a grief support group in your area is a great option, but one that isn’t always accessible either. This is where online communities can really help. There are plenty of Facebook groups and even some apps that can connect you with people who have experienced something similar. Loneliness in grief is very common, but such connections can help mitigate its intensity.
Relying on others more than usual
Even though some people might react to loss with an increased desire to isolate themselves, often because of fear of further loss, or fear that others cannot understand, opening up to the need for support will ultimately bring more healing. Grief is a very vulnerable state to be in, not only because it is extremely painful but also because of all the potential wounds it can create or reopen. The mixture of feelings one can experience is as wide and varied as there are unique relationships and unique stories for each of them. And when we are feeling very vulnerable, chances are we require more support than usual. There are many cultures in which grief is treated as something collective that affects the whole community, with specific and sometimes lengthy rituals to support the grievers. We are not meant to face the most difficult times of our lives alone. This is precisely when we have to set aside the façade of independence and instead, lean into others for support. Not everyone will have the capacity or willingness to do this, but finding those who can will be invaluable. You might also want to reach out to a therapist if you require additional support. There is no shame in needing others more than usual and feeling more dependent than previously. We are social beings and if there is one time when we are allowed to depend on each other, this is it.
Loss is akin to a storm, that often redefines many facets and dimensions of our lives, including our relationships to others. Navigating this storm will probably be one of the most challenging journeys of your life. But the hopeful thing is this: the person you become once you’ve made your way through it will carry the strength and wisdom of knowing deep sorrow. No one will be able to replace your person, but in the aftermath of this loss, as you rebuild and rediscover aspects of yourself, you may experience an unexpected sense of empowerment and a deeper appreciation for the resilience of the human spirit.
“Grief is like a long valley, a winding valley where any bend may reveal a totally new landscape.” – C.S Lewis