In the world that we live in today, we are constantly bombarded with messages about reaching career success, finding our passion, making good money, maintaining physical health, and even how to hydrate properly. All those things are great. There are many areas in life that are important for the health and fulfillment of a human being. However, strangely enough, one of the most important areas of our lives is seldom talked about when it comes to maintaining health and happiness.
Relationships with other people are literally necessary for our survival. From the time we are born, to the time we die, we will be in relationships with other human beings. We’ve all heard the saying that humans are “social animals”, and nothing could be truer. Our brains are wired for attachment, wired for connection.
A famously tragic study conducted on Romanian orphans who were severely deprived of parental nurturing depicted a grim picture with consequences too numerous to name for these children, but ranging from cognitive delays, to deficits in socio-emotional behaviors and increase in psychiatric disorders (Nelson & Zeanah, 2014). It is also well reported (Morrison & Roese, 2011) that what matters most to people who are on their death bed isn’t how much money they made, how successful they were or how many accolades they received. It is their most intimate relationships, and the love they shared with those most precious to them.
Our romantic partners tend to make up the very core of those intimate relationships. It is this special person who we typically vow to spend the rest of our life with, potentially raise children with, and who will be by our side throughout thick and thin. This person has a tremendous influence on our mental and even physical health.
People who stay married throughout their older years have a longer life expectancy than people who don’t (Jia & Lubetkin, 2020). People who report having a healthy and happy marriage age better and are more protected against the emotional difficulties of aging (Waldinger & Schulz, 2010) Moreover, it is assuredly in the benefit of children’s well-being, both emotional, physical and academic to have their parents remaining together in a functional and happy marriage (Anderson, 2014).
The evidence appears quite compelling, and yet, have you ever heard someone say “I want to have the best marriage possible” when asked what their life’s mission is? Have you ever heard someone say their dream is to be the best partner to their spouse? That their marriage takes precedence over their career?
Perhaps many people do have those aspirations, and yet would be afraid to voice them out loud, because “best marriage” doesn’t sound as cool and ambitious as “CEO of a company” or “top lawyer in the country”. And let’s face it, feminism has made it increasingly difficult for women to have (or voice?) those aspirations, despite the fact that women are typically the ones most drawn to and interested in relationships (Rounds & Armstrong, 2009).
It is in many ways quite paradoxical, because the obsession we have with Love is everywhere: from the unsurpassed blockbuster romantic comedies, to the fact that dating apps generate billions of dollars in revenue, to our favorite topic of gossip at the local café: “So tell me all about your love life!” .
One could argue that we are unhealthily obsessed with love, and that we should work at changing this trend, focus on other more serious matters, or on other relationships. And perhaps we should put more focus on other types of relationships, such as our friendships and our co-workers. But the fact of the matter is, even the ones denunciating this trend can’t help but follow the trend. As much as you would like to pretend that you don’t care about having a romantic partner, you’d be the first one to jump on the bandwagon if one magically appeared to sweep you off your feet. So maybe instead of denying our deep longing for a romantic partner, we should find a way to have the best and most thriving relationship possible.
But that entails more than just dreaming about it. It entails more than just wishing for it to fall on your lap. And that’s the big hurdle in all of this: we are obsessed with love, but we don’t know HOW to love. We want to be in a relationship, but we don’t know HOW to be in a relationship. We’ve heard all the beautiful fairy tale stories of how people meet and fall in love. But we haven’t heard anything about how to create that “happily ever after” end of the story.
So, even though it is not entirely our fault if we don’t know how to maintain a thriving partnership, it is definitely our responsibility to learn how to. Because there ARE resources out there, there ARE people talking about those things, and there ARE tons of books to be read on the topic. It is however a matter of what you prioritize. Hence the title of this post: make the health of your intimate relationship a priority in your life, because as it turns out, your overall health, happiness and longevity depend on it.
References
Anderson, J. (2014). The impact of family structure on the health of children: Effects of divorce. The Linacre Quarterly, 81(4), 378–387. https://doi.org/10.1179/0024363914z.00000000087
Jia, H., & Lubetkin, E. I. (2020). Life expectancy and active life expectancy by marital status among older U.S. adults: Results from the U.S. Medicare Health Outcome Survey (HOS). SSM – Population Health, 12, 100642. https://doi.org/10.1016/j.ssmph.2020.100642
Morrison, M., & Roese, N. (2011). Regrets of the typical American: Findings from a nationally representative sample. PsycEXTRA Dataset. https://doi.org/10.1037/e527772014-990
Nelson, C. A., Fox, N. A., and Zeanah, C. H. (2014). Romania’s abandoned children: Deprivation, brain development, and the struggle for recovery. Cambridge, MA, and London, England: Harvard University Press
Su, R., Rounds, J., & Armstrong, P. I. (2009). Men and things, women and people: A meta-analysis of sex differences in interests. Psychological Bulletin, 135(6), 859–884. https://doi.org/10.1037/a0017364
Waldinger, R. J., & Schulz, M. S. (2010). What’s love got to do with it? social functioning, perceived health, and daily happiness in married octogenarians. Psychology and Aging, 25(2), 422–431. https://doi.org/10.1037/a00190